Baby steps. That’s where I am in my life right now. An 18-year-old adult taking baby steps. That doesn’t make sense. But to me, it’s as clear as it gets. I’m thankful to be at this point. For those of you who don’t know, I had two hip surgeries this past summer and to be here at this stage I feel blessed to have the opportunity to gain ground and recover. You know, it’s different. I have to watch everything I’m doing. I have to make sure every muscle is firing correctly, I have to make sure my mechanics are perfect, and I have to listen to my body at the same time and try to decode what it’s telling me. It’s not just the physical baby steps, though. It’s the mental aspect. That’s the hardest part. I have to retrain my mind to believe in my body. Because I can tell you right now, that’s not the case. All the signs from my body are saying let’s roll while my mind on the other hand is saying take it easy, chill, slow it down, come back to earth, you’re not superman. I mean, it’s a constant battle, literally a battle. I feel like I’m making progress but then again it’s hard to tell. In order to combat this, one of the things I’ve done throughout this journey is I’ve video-logged my thoughts. Sometimes I’ll look back through them just to reiterate to myself that I am getting better. Even doing this, it’s still difficult to tell if I’m making strides; everything seems so mushed together because I haven’t really done anything in so long. That’s why whenever I see improvement I try to remember that day and what it felt like so that I can compare it to the next time when I think I’ve made an improvement.
It’s a slow process. That’s one of the hardest things to grasp for me. I’ve always been living in the fast lane and these days it’s much like the mom-walking lane speed. I want to be back so badly that I have to check myself to remember my focus. No basketball games are played in these months. My goal is to be 100% for the first game and that’s where these baby steps are leading me. I want to succeed so badly that I have begun to fear failing sometimes. That’s one of the hardest things for me to overcome and I’m not so good at it. Fearing failure is a negative for me. It hurts my recovery. By fearing failure I miss out on some speedier results I could have from these baby steps, because I fear that some of the things I do will bring back the pain I used to have. Right now it’s so hard to get that out of my mind. I have to trust that everything is going to be OK. I have to trust that these baby steps will lead me where I want to go. I have to trust the support I have around me telling me that if I stick to the plan then nothing is going to stop me. These steps have made me realize I can’t be afraid or I’ll never reach my potential.